I get asked a lot why I love my fetishes, BDSM practice and kink in general. I'm asked naturally by those who don't do it and are curious... and unnaturally by those that do and want a wantasy for the night.
Well, who cares, it's Christmas.
But what I wanted to share today was a simple thought that answers, in more ways than you can imagine, not only why I have a passion for kink but also the age-old D/S (dominance and submission) dynamic question, between the two adult players of who actually holds the power?
For me, it ends up not really mattering.
If you're playing with someone you love and loves you in return then the cycle of care will be there anyway. But if you have a kinklust for your partner, you should get what gets them off. And so in turn that will get you off too. Got me?
We can even work around potential disappointment.
Take the Newbie Domme looking to replicate her ex's retifism (shoe and footwear fetishism) through a new boyfriend who only finds her boots horny, but not a reason to have an orgasm. She doesn't have to have her projection of how he should feel play out to the nth degree, does she? If she cares to care, she could ask:
a) This is what I want, (total boot worship) can you do it for me?
b) Ok, what would you like to do... for me instead?
c) Ok, what would you like to do...
d) Make sure you do a good job of licking my boots anyway and we'll see what you'll get for being good.
Kink is a reflection of your love for the other sharing a mutual pursuit. Or about creating mutuality through adult play. It's consensual. Although the ideal, a fixed idea of how the other should think is the opposite of wild fantasy is it not?
So, this D/S dynamic power question:
Does it see the dominatrix/dom dominant partner dishing out the rules, or the submissive/passive partner setting out the boundaries, limits and list of their wants?
You could argue both do.
Both 'negotiate' before a kinky sex session.
There is also a tantalisng play of power during the session itself, as each kink lover listens, looks and feels out for signals of joy, tension or distress (enjoyable or not).
Then, in the aftercare time both recount the kink practices with a different perspective and non-mutual version of who controlled whom. As long as they both talked, communicated, used play psychology and actually planned aftercare it's pretty likely they would have both had a phenomenal time whatever they got up to.
Why is this likely? Why can we always argue and discuss 'which player has control'?
Because in kink we can get lost in the reflection of infinite mirrors.
We love our love. Our love loves us.
We love our love because our love loves us. And so on.
And because kink is a deeper more cerebral expression of love. We play because our partner wants to play with us. We dominate because we have a deep need our partner sees and is in turn excicted by. And we who dominate/submit are excited by the deep need in a submissive's/dominant's eye when we see their need.
And again, vice versa, so it revolves, so it reflects.
So when people ask to me, why I like fetish and BDSM I of course can't help but be positive, Because with great adult play you are playing into space, it's not closed, it's not stonewalled with a fixed opinion provided by manipulation. It's freewheeling infinitely, creating deeper and lovelier feelings between you and your partner.
People complain that love burns and then it's over. Or it changes and becomes something different. You've seen those couples – nothing to say to each other. Fixed. and unhappy their projections went unscreened. Nowhere then to go. No communication.
For me, my advocacy of kink begins and doesn't end, because when it's great it makes for endless possibilities to explore our multifariously fascinating souls.
Does that mirror your love of things kinky?
Does this mirror the way you love?
Thanks for reading