I'm going to stretch these blogs out as I've come to realise I end up writing two to three blogs worth every time, so I feel that YOU are diddling ME. Grime is money and all that, and what exactly is diddling? What I will try to do is give out cribsheets and handy links that tie in with our concomitant theme of positive kink fun and safety.
But how filthy are we ever being anyway?
It was to see Monty Python hype up their show last year with the word 'filthy' in the best lampooning sense. (at 3:12).
So, one of the best questions I ever heard was from a female friend who rejected emphatically the idea of ever going to a fetish night, saying, rather rhetorically:
"Don't you hate all that sexual anarchy?"
It's a good topic for a blog as I think the fear of sexual anarchy is a common fear.
The problem is, or rather the natural answer is that it's mine too.
The fear of sexual anarchy or the acronym fosa (for fear of appearing banal by writing it out again and again and appearing like some silly writer). 'The fear of appearing banal by writing it out again and again' is actually the more cumbersome initialism 'foabbwioaaa'.
And I now hereby promise to stop this nonsense and repeat this last 'fun' one only once.
Fear of sexual anarchy comes back to our old friend: 'control'
It's funny how this question of fosa precludes the notion of our command: like we don't have a say, or wild things will happen to us that we don't want to happen. That's also a common mistake: that strangely that some of us this reverence, awe or fear of the unknown makes us crap at talking out our desires. It's the main reason I wrote my book – and is now an Android app: to stand up and give people confidence and support that their kinks, fetishes and BDSM practices are always valid in a safe, sane and consensual context.
My own particular journey of kink has come full circle.
And I'd say that the ol' man river we are all blithely sailing down meanders not on in itself but curling round and away, never repeating like a spiral. In other words we come back round to to the same place but with a head full of experience and learning.
When I turned up at TG (Torture Garden): all those years ago I was looking for Catwoman. And I guess I still am. But these days, I do so on my terms: rather than buy into the terms I'm assuming are dictated to me upon entering the maelstrom of wild and crazy extravaganza of pervery. The fosa still exists, but it's a healthy fear that reminds me who I am by reminding me what I actually want.
Do I like sexual anarchy?
Does anyone like the absence of a framework? Maybe the real anarchists are the jazz musicians of the 1950s. But with regards to kink, fetish and BDSM you'd have to ask those who are into what you personally perceive as sexual anarchy, and get them to agree that it is, before you can make a serious assessment.
Let's define what we think it might be
For we must think of this out-of-control thing: well, for a start I've never seen a whole club that was out of control. Though I have seen the odd couple get their wires crossed and hurt each other physically and mentally. That isn't you because like me you are safe, sane and consensual and communicate well using good play psychology and aftercare. And anyway, wires-crossed disputes are part and parcel of Saturday night, anytown, right?
What about certain kinks, are they anarchic?
Are we saying a love for latex or dressing up in knitwear is anarchy? Well, that's an individual choice. You certainly don't have to join in. Likewise any other fetish or BDSM practice.
But perhaps you thought BDSM was all about being beyond everything else?
Well it can certainly take you there in the way your mind, body and spirit can feel during and after, but as for 'rule-breaking' you may already know or you will find that bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, sadism & masochism (B.(D.S).M), as well as coming with their own sets of safety guidelines, will also come with negotiated rules and preferences as outlined by you and your partner.*
So there is our framework, its self-governing.
Obviously it's open to abuse of the deceitful kind, when what you are looking for is mutually agreed upon sexual deviation: Mutuality as opposed to a one-side agenda.
As long as you have the dialogue between you and play partner you can ward off the fears by playing with them together.
Tah-tah for now
Jackson ; )
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