Lately I've been reading the same-old sendarounds about 'kink do's and don'ts' and 'six ways to play'... you know the kind of thing. I don't begrudge any of it, all (well-written and informed) positive kink education is good as far as I'm concerned. But it did occur to me reading these things that a frustrated kink seeker might be chasing their (imaginary faux fur butt-plug) tail with some of this stuff. Here's why:
You can read a 100 BDSM blogs until you are blue in the face, as well as making blue yours or your consenting partner's arse-cheeks: But they won't tell you THE answer. To save you time let's flip you round. Picture me dominating you if it helps (I give you my consent!). Seriously, I'm talking about perspective: That the answer to a lifetime of good kink is actually, paradoxically, a question.
Don't delve into a labyrinth of misunderstanding, lost, fumbling over your own questions about this 'world of pervery'. Just ask yourself one. What do YOU want?
Good kink, fetish and BDSM is Christmas all year round, and the jollity is consensual.
That's because you, the individual have mastered (or obsessed about) some kink and want to do it. You also have a menu of things you want to try and will have moods to taper activity down or ramp the excitement up. This is normal, abnormal behaviour.
But the crucial point is that mastery, menus and moods are all yours.
And you are asking for it.
So all those questions about bondage, pain, nipple-clamps, electro-stimulation and materials to wear for sexplay... multiplied by the questions of roles both for lifestyle or occasional player... multiplied by protocol and the use of 'definitive' technique?
Well they should be answered by knowing that you possess a multifariously individual mindset, as does your lover. Understanding each other's mindset before you play is one of the best frameworks you will have for good kink. It will make the safety, sanity and consensuality ethos (ultimately the most important framework) behind every play session infinitely easier. Knowing each others mindsets will mentally lubricate your interactions and make you care more. It will make everything more intense as you greenlight more and redlight less.
So worry less why general people are dom/me, sub or switch and focus more on why your partner is and what they want and how that corresponds with your needs. If you are partner-less perhaps narrow down your focus to search for someone who mirrors your kinks. Yeah, I know, duh!... Lame advice. But are you really doing this?
Unless you do want to be by yourself and you're projecting and wantasising of course, I wouldn't want to stop you enjoying a nice frap at the end of a hard day. Aren't I gracious? But just remember, that onanism comes (no pun and pun intended) with a deceptively powerful and deluding sense of control.
Engaging with another is about learning how to get out of control, swapping your projection for realised fantasy, exchanging your doubts for trust and replacing your solitude with shared, endlessly multiplied joy. I'm not saying it doesn't take a bit of work or effort, but then anything worthwhile takes hours of practice. So don't just wait for the years of erotica you've read to magic to life. Don't say to other: 'You know what to do, I'm waiting,' and lie there star-spangled.
Only you are the expert of you, and often people who expect life to happen to them lack self-awareness: Worse, they put the onus on others to work them out. Then the other person gets blamed for doing the something wrong that isn't nice. If this is a familiar pattern on your own planet of perve then maybe you need to recalibrate and emancipate yourself.
If it's a self-esteem issue, remember this: Kink style and fashion is very forgiving and now extremely popular. Plus, more importantly, pervy partners tend to place of lot more or as much emphasis on attitude and shared intentions over say, physical attributes or experience.
Ultimately, positive kink is not a one-way street. All those searches are still only one way. How about you? Are you remembering to also ask and engage with the question:
What do you want?
Have a tumultuous 2016