This week I've been conversing with an awesome fetish model about how her inbox gets inundated with wankstationers looking for an instant gratification through online 'communication'.
Ok, so they were propelled by some racey pics she posted on Facebook, but they were certainly not a green light for a fetish frenzy. Did her narcissm really leave the gate open for the bull? Is it their ego/insecurity vortex? The giddy heights of a private projection or gender gaming? Or, analysis aside, simply the open goal of the internet?
I think for starters some sub-species don't like their emotions poked by inanimate imagery, and then they get confused that it's somehow the other's fault for magically making them feel that way.
By definition communication is a two-way (or more) street where words are being said or sent in response to the other. Communication for kink, fetish and BDSM is vital, not least it confirms you have embraced the intrinsic value of practices between two loving partners as a way of increasing that love. If it's one-way, the onanisim is on you.
But more than the art of two-way communication confirms that you are actively being consensual:
1. You can agree to do something together;
2. You can fine-tune the details of that something;
3. You can cancel doing it at any time;
4. You can ask for more that something;
5. You can always ask, you can always refuse;
and more importantly;
6. You can actively agree to disagree and not get involved with the other.
And the thing is, people who care about each other know this.
Is it that wankstationers get their care skills mixed up, that because they have images in front of them they can default to a kink session or coming up over their haptic hecticness? Because as we caring kinkcredible sexpert perverts know the really good stuff takes anticipation, time, patience, nurturing and consensus.
As Daarius Naharis the Second Sons warrior (pictured) from Game of Thrones puts it (no, really): "I have no interest in slaves. A man cannot make love to property."
The dominant-submissive element comes from consensus, not from being a dominant and overcoming people in life: that's ancient times raping, pillaging and being a Viking. I love it when I meet dominant people who think they really are being right-is-might Alpha: They still have to ask – as the alternative is being a psycho and getting locked up or ostracised.
Generally the kink social scene is warm, welcoming and friendly.
So, put aside your powerless, anonymous cyber-BS and get out there. Drop your faux ghetto gangsta need for respec' and get down to a fetish night and connect and dance with the people you are looking for. Sure, it may take time as you probably have a long list of predilections – and while you get your interACTion together. But you only want one future partner you want to say 'yes' to a couple of kinks to kick off a relationship with, no?
Remember, 'online' is a tool, and that makes you a tool, literally (interfacing with a machine), if that's the only source of interaction in your kink-life. Personally, I would urge you to leave texting and emails to arranging meetings etc and if there comes a time for it to leave the more intimate stuff to a more suitable setting. Any frustrations and short words you might have in opening email message gambits are inappropriate as any form of come-back. And you never know, the recipient of your comments may know some people who may be interested in you.
Kink well and safely
There are 13 standalone chapters of lifestyle advice in the kindle version of
The Book of Kinky Sex Games: Kink Fetish & BDSM Through Adult Play,
not all written in the same style, so hopefully you'll find something that chimes with you.