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Online Fetiquette & the Art of Two-Way

7/1/2015

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My Comrades in Kink,

This week I've been conversing with an awesome fetish model about how her inbox gets inundated with wankstationers looking for an instant gratification through online 'communication'.

Ok, so they were propelled by some racey pics she posted on Facebook, but they were certainly not a green light for a fetish frenzy. Did her narcissm really leave the gate open for the bull? Is it their ego/insecurity vortex? The giddy heights of a private projection or gender gaming? Or, analysis aside, simply the open goal of the internet?

I think for starters some sub-species don't like their emotions poked by inanimate imagery, and then they get confused that it's somehow the other's fault for magically making them feel that way.

By definition communication is a two-way (or more) street where words are being said or sent in response to the other. Communication for kink, fetish and BDSM is vital, not least it confirms you have embraced the intrinsic value of practices between two loving partners as a way of increasing that love. If it's one-way, the onanisim is on you.

But more than the art of two-way communication confirms that you are actively being consensual:

1. You can agree to do something together;
2. You can fine-tune the details of that something;
3. You can cancel doing it at any time;
4. You can ask for more that something;
5. You can always ask, you can always refuse;
and more importantly;
6. You can actively agree to disagree and not get involved with the other.

And the thing is, people who care about each other know this.
Is it that wankstationers get their care skills mixed up, that because they have images in front of them they can default to a kink session or coming up over their haptic hecticness? Because as we caring kinkcredible sexpert perverts know the really good stuff takes anticipation, time, patience, nurturing and consensus. 

As Daarius Naharis the Second Sons warrior (pictured) from Game of Thrones puts it (no, really): "I have no interest in slaves. A man cannot make love to property."

The dominant-submissive element comes from consensus, not from being a dominant and overcoming people in life: that's ancient times raping, pillaging and being a Viking. I love it when I meet dominant people who think they really are being right-is-might Alpha: They still have to ask – as the alternative is being a psycho and getting locked up or ostracised.

Generally the kink social scene is warm, welcoming and friendly.
So, put aside your powerless, anonymous cyber-BS and get out there. Drop your faux ghetto gangsta need for respec' and get down to a fetish night and connect and dance with the people you are looking for. Sure, it may take time as you probably have a long list of predilections – and while you get your interACTion together. But you only want one future partner you want to say 'yes' to a couple of kinks to kick off a relationship with, no?

Remember, 'online' is a tool, and that makes you a tool, literally (interfacing with a machine), if that's the only source of interaction in your kink-life. Personally, I would urge you to leave texting and emails to arranging meetings etc and if there comes a time for it to leave the more intimate stuff to a more suitable setting. Any frustrations and short words you might have in opening email message gambits are inappropriate as any form of come-back. And you never know, the recipient of your comments may know some people who may be interested in you.

Kink well and safely
Jackson x

There are 13 standalone chapters of lifestyle advice in the kindle version of 
The Book of Kinky Sex Games: Kink Fetish & BDSM Through Adult Play,
not all written in the same style, so hopefully you'll find something that chimes with you.
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Positive Kink for the Adult Industry

6/15/2015

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Over the past six months I've been talking with the adult industry to help positive kink fun and safety make it's way into the mainstream with a more informed and responsible approach.

Well I'm very proud to announce that prestigious leather brand Rouge & renowned award-winning retailer Nice 'n' Naughty have agreed to a unique three-way partnership supplying educational & safety guidance for customers of kink, fetish and BDSM products.

What's more, this week sees the roll-out of our joint promotion throughout Nice 'n' Naughty's UK national retail chain at stores in Bangor, Bolton, Brighton, Bristol, Chester, Leeds, Liverpool, Newcastle, Southport, Warrington and Wigan.
The aim is to guide BDSM toy, equipment and gear buyers by offering a promo-priced kink education Android app, where readers will – for the first time – be able to access directly specifically chosen Rouge and Nice 'n' Naughty BDSM gear and toys featured in our The Book of Kinky Sex Games app's sixty-nine session 'recipes' for fun and safe kink play.

Rouge ranges featured include its luxury padded ankle cuffs, blindfolds and adjustable wrist to neck restraints, all made using their exquisite leather from trusted tanneries. Nice 'n' Naughty items include bestseller essentials like vibrators, plugs, lube and massage oils. App users will be able to visualise and learn exactly what item of equipment each kinky practice requires while also offering the chance to shop and order instantly from their smart-phones.

The collaboration will not only be promoted by in-store 10,000 flyers and tags but be buttressed by live workshops (coming soon!) on safer adult play, as well as regular blogs on this site. Additionally, Nice 'n' Naughty shoppers will also be able to get the android app (originally priced £6.99) of The Book of Kinky Sex Games through Google Play at less than half price (£2.99) for a limited time.

Leather manufacturer Rouge Garments UK has highlighted the increasing desire for quality bondage gear in the mainstream and praised the bridge-building between experts from the adult industry and the kink scene uniting to provide a modern and educational approach for buyers.

Retailers Nice 'n' Naughty too are no strangers to providing customer satisfaction. Founded 15 years ago, they were voted the UK's Best Adult Retail Chain for six years and the only adult industry firm to receive the Investors in People accreditation. Retail Director Trish Murray stated that Nice 'n' Naughty was formed "with one clear aim: To offer the customer a comfortable environment to shop that will stimulate their imaginations, without boundaries or taboos. All our members of staff have the knowledge and training to ensure the customer has the best advice and service in the adult industry."

On Nice 'n' Naughty teaming up with Rouge and our positive kink crusade, Trish Murray added: "We have a vast array of products that fulfil desires from vanilla to kink, and to be involved with The Book of Kinky Sex Games app, offers all its readers the perfect space and products to learn, explore and grow.  With the release of Fifty Shades of Grey film, DVD and subsequent sequels, we have seen a further increase in the demand of quality BDSM items, and we have therefore decided to help our customer further explore their desires with this partnership."

As the fetish and BDSM world can sometimes appear daunting, scary or snooty to newcomers it makes sense for the positive kink championed by myself and my site, book, app and social media sites to ally with such respected names in the adult industry, and I personally couldn't be happier.

For the people I represent it's about care, education, quality and accountability.
We have newbie’s looking to try things out and experts looking to invest in well-made and robust products. The Rouge stuff looks and feels amazing, while Nice 'n' Naughty couldn't be more helpful. And as both firms are celebrated for their attention to detail and customer service, I have peace of mind that our campaign to give adult players the chance to realize their wildest dreams will continue to happen in the most supportive way possible. All round, I reckon this is a very cool project.

For more info visit:
Rouge Garments products
Nice 'n' Naughty
Google Play Android App – The Book of Kinky Sex Games

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Don't Let Reassessment Cloud Your Reason

4/9/2015

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An Open Response to Emer O'Toole's Guardian Article

PictureInversion of original work by graffitti artist Stewy
Emer O'Toole in her article "This murder in Ireland has made me rethink my sexual practices" for The Guardian is definitely right to risk being called a kink-shamer and 'reopen' the topic of denying BDSM links, but, in my opinion is misguided to interweave these tenuously-associated topics.

O'Toole and kinksters in general know that proper kink is safe, sane and consensual, else it's not kink. We all know Fifty Shades is suspect (and debatable!) but phenomenally-saleable fiction. We all know murder is abominable murder, come on. So only kink deserves the headline link to... kink, no?

Here is my ten point response to the article, assuming you've read it by clicking the headline above or here.

1. Sometimes the article reads like a headline-fusing editorial pitch. O'Toole has, by exploring link denial, linked a horrific murder case, Fifty Shades of Grey, feminism and kink. But O'Toole I feel is definitely right to call for debate, and internal debate especially.

2. And it's great that Emer O'Toole calls us to ask ourselves questions. But is this to say most kinksters
don't ask these questions of themselves every day, and every time before, after and during their play?

3. I don't see the link to BDSM or kink from horrific murder or mental health problems. As has been said it's not kink, where is the link?

4. To parallel real-life victims of nutcases with fictional characters of Fifty Shades is irresponsible. See my own (seemingly-endless) analysis of this in Mr Rocco Will See You Now: Fifty on Fifty.

5. As I say in that article, I'm not sure you can distance yourself from Fifty Shades. It's just kind of unavoidable if you want to debate it and show the world what (positive) kink really is. And this goes against her call for solidarity and openness in the final paragraph. These women looking for 'spice in their lives' because of Fifty Shades, who will they seek out to help them?

6. All communities are historically reluctant to discuss the true weirdo in the realm. Whether that's kink (Graham Dwyer), media (Jimmy Saville), politics (Cyril Smith), music (endless list...) there will unfortunately be a few without boundaries. As recent cases have proven, it's notoriously difficult to bring non-consensually abusive people to the attention of the appropriate authorities. Frankly, yes, the kink community attracts as many fruitcases as the gym, the local pub or club. Though mostly these weasels tend to have an aura of not getting laid: That's the first clue.

7. I'm not convinced we live in a sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist society. Bit of a Guardian-reader crowdpleaser that one.  I live in Kemptown and went to the most multicultural school in Britain. Up the road the Nuffield hospital caters for gender reassignment and St James Street round the corner is the most liberal street in the world. I also volunteer for a radio station that sees adults with learning difficulties hosting their own shows. Even in these environments the people I know deal with adverse or hostility issues on a daily basis, but it doesn't mean that they feel society as a whole is made of this. I think it's a perspective thing and about the individual's ability to separate personal grievance with actuality. O'Toole is right if referring to those uncivilised minorities that spoil things for others. Yes, that is definitely part of life, but all of it?

8. Where is the connection between interpersonal kink communion and feminism? I'm with Joni Mitchell: 'Why do you have to label yourself anything?' These labels are effective for a game and a release, not for the flux of the daily grind or for a gender-political movement. Surely labels are counter-productive?

9. I'm not a feminist, I personally already treat everyone as a blank canvass. That is, until either of our personalities gets in the way of a good time for us. But aren't we already liberated? Or doesn't Europe lead the debates regarding such values of freedom? Isn't the internet the greatest forum and leveller in history?

10. I think Emer O'Toole and I can agree for a call to end kink-shaming. The thing is we need to begin a new era of clarity over chosen topics. We are all human and retain the capacity for great love and hate, great joy and pain, whether as a chosen path, lifestyle or temporary role-play. The jump from the assumption of mass influence to personal reassessment albeit noble is a little quixotic, and still comes inherently with a nod towards kink-shaming. Personally I'm glad my kink leanings all point towards loving congress for my consenting partner and myself. Graham Dwer is an example of insane cruelty, not governable aggression. Elaine O'Hara is not an example of nearly every woman you and I have ever met, she is an individual of whom I can only, and that is only, surmise may have had an irrational predilection for especially nasty men.

To conclude then, I agree with O'Toole reopening the debate, but I'm unconvinced it's ever been closed. We can agree that kink-shaming tends to lock doors: from either side. But I think such debates need to be taken at one subject at a time, not free associated by linking murder, popular fiction and BDSM debate in feminist circles. This just leads to people blending those case-by-case things in their head and spreading even more ignorance.

If we want social order we must have reason, a proposition put forward by no less than Mary Wolstencraft (pictured above). With this in mind my intellect tells me that such headline amalgamation is editorial flame-spreading and therefore ultimately unreasonable.





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Mr Rocco Will See You Now: Fifty on Fifty Shades

2/26/2015

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Post-film analysis ofFifty Shades phenomenon you won't read anywhere else, 50 mythbusters getting to grips with the grey areas of hype-perverly & the views of those who haven't read the book or seen the film

*******************************Includes Spoilers******************************

PictureNot Fifty Shades of Grey: But if Benedict Cumberbatch for the sequels?
ONE: The film is bland commercialism. Actually, it's just the first kink blockbuster, so will inevitably compromise individual tastes. Anastasia Steele (Ana) is 21 and Christian Grey is 27 so storywise we're dealing with twenty-something experience and immaturity. Most people in, or getting into, kink start around their late twenties/early thirties, after they've been round the block a couple of times. So if Ana is simpering and lip-bitingly annoyingly lip-biting, that's because she is.

TWO: The film is terrible. The film is 'Not Shit' and that's my review. I'd love to see that on the poster. But Rotten Tomatoes has it rated as 24% (as of 26/2/2015) when, speaking as a film buff and former film reviewer it's really a 60%. Why so low on the site? That's because...


THREE: ...The reviews are accurate? Mmm, a proper film review would have to split their assessments into three: 1) as a general piece of entertainment for regular film-goers, 2) how kink-credible was it for proper perves? and 3) how faithful was it to the book? Bearing in mind the novelty of Fifty being a kink blockbuster (so affecting the review by those scared and those wanting more) as a film I'd give it 6.5/10, for kink 4/10 – and that's just for the 'Red Room of Pain' – and 7/10 for it's narrative loyalty to the book.
FOUR: Jamie Dornan is well cast. He's serviceable to be more accurate; a little miscast, but not woefully. It's just that turning your back while saying the film's great line: 'I'm fifty shades of fucked up', is a cop out. You see, Grey is a  Heathcliffian steal of a character and should be more magnetic and physically imposing. But a performance has to convey a billionaire mindset while sending out confusing signals trying to disguise despair and issues with intimacy. A big ask. It doesn't help that the chemistry is occasionally forced between Doonan and Dakota Johnson (as Ana) or the acting is 'showing'. I agree with the Cumberbitches, it should have been Benedict (see pic above).
FIVE: It's too long. To be honest, it could have been longer. The 1hr and 50 minutes fly – it is an experience watching it with a cinema audience. I would have made it 2hr 30 – 3hr to include twice as much tension, anticipation and focus on both characters' fears and confusions and so resolve from any good kink (check out these six straight mythbusters about positive kink v fiction), while ramping up the drama of the bad scenes. Although an entirely different genre, see Quentin Tarantino's forays into tension building in Inglourious Basterds for example or even 9 and half Weeks.

Does Humour Belong in BDSM?

Check out our FaceBook page The Book of Kinky Sex Games
SIX: The film is just the book. Really the film is not a Xerox of the book. Narratively it misses the blow-by-blow obsession of Ana for Grey and vice versa, which I would argue is a writing intention not dissimilar to the styles of Brett Easton Ellis or Herman Melville. Knowing the details of the couple's mindset is important to the story before they rendezvous and especially important for anticipation, tension and release; and although Sam Taylor-Wood is a better director than EL James is a writer, it's a trick missed. Stylistically the book is already cinematic, based as it is on things you can easily visualise, so it was a shoe-in for the film to use as a guide for settings.

SEVEN: It's just geared up for a franchise. Well of course there are sequels, respectively due out in 2017 and 2018. Fifty Shades uses the template of fan-fiction favourite, the Twilight Series. Think young, dark, obsessional love.

EIGHT: It's Twilight with kink. No, it's not as Twilight 'fan-fiction' as critics make out. Fan-fiction is the development of characters via a forum and it's this where EL James has been criticized, for not having a valid base to claim such a culturally significant influence. But this gets to the heart of the obvious point that Fifty Shades is just plain popular, and the Twilight series and Fifty Shades Trilogy themselves share elements of immemorial story models such as Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights and Dracula.

As Fifty Shades, at it's nub, deals with raw sex and BDSM it's radically different to Twilight. Plus it has then get's likened to Secretary, Nine and a Half Weeks and well... the more influences it seems to have then you just have to say, well actually, it's quite a good synopsis for a story.

NINE: Dakota Johnson as Anastasia is miscast. Actually, she's just the author, but younger and slimmer. Author EL James has stated that the book is her fantasy and it seems that millions of readers are using her as a conduit for their imagination.

TEN: Ana was already perfectly cast. Agreed. Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary.... Check out this cool interview talking about her role as masochist Lee Holloway and note that the 'Mr Grey' she is referring to is her boss (E. Edward Grey) in the film, played by James Spader....


ELEVEN: Lip-biting is still cool. Now It treads the line between being cute and being cringeworthy. Post-Fifty it could be construed as a childish affectation, and using it as a flirty signal is at the owner's risk of being typed as a Fifty Shader.

TWELVE: It's a blemish-free perfect fantasy zone. Actually, both Ana and Grey's characters have imperfect bodies. Grey has scars as part of his character as well. You wouldn't expect that for such a supposedly commercial-looking film.

THIRTEEN: Jamie Dornan's lower abs are too perfect. Understandably, such are the demands for the modern box-office-guaranteeing acting style I guess we have to commend Jamie Dornan for his great hip-work in complementing the trademark hipster jeans. Men who frequent the gym, you will be jealous. But then it was a big thing in the book and for EL James. We have to wonder if there was some personal wardrobe auditioning involved?

FOURTEEN: The music is exceptional. Unfortunately the film missed a trick here, because it was missing a classic love or Grey musical theme. Strange considering how the book was so obvious in flagging up the music in the character's lives. However, the reboot of Crazy in Love by Beyonce was a standout soundtrack choice, her uh-oh never sounding so deliciously sultry at the end. Hear for yourself.

FIFTEEN: Grey and Ana are a believable match. This is perhaps something the film could have got around with with chemistry of the actors. But it's not really there. It's important because it would then justify the story being elevated from pure erotica. However, in the spirit of fairness can we say that because it's a fantasy tale then unbelievability is the norm? I'll leave this with you. And those elves over there.

SIXTEEN: It's not just 'mommy porn', it's hugely influential. Well, there are those women who read Fifty Shades as a fapfeste in the same way many men fantasise over reckless ego-led dominatrixes – they will never go there, and such ideas stay as erotica. And there are those who will be inspired to try kink having realised Grey is a fictional character and not actually written as an abusive rapist. But, busting this very bust is the reminder that perhaps now kink in the mainstream is less a stigma and more a raised eyebrow with a smile. Is this thanks to mommy porn? Actually, this is due to mostly to the last twenty years of pop culture appropriation through music videos, art, films and fashion multiplied by the internet equalling people's need and ability to explore, that led to the book (and my kink guide) being written.

SEVENTEEN: People are hurting each other because of this. We don't want this. Good, (positive) kink is safe, sane, consensual, communicative (before, after and sensorily, during); plus psychologically smart and ultimately caring. The point is to commune with your partner further than normal (dare I say vanilla?) sex. But, regarding actual Fifty Shades-linked accidents?: Handcuff incidents are relatively low, to be honest. And the 999 emergency call spike for 293 rings removed from male genitalia relates to practices not described in Fifty Shades. But the marketing of the book did extend to half-price stands in Tescos where children walk, and I think there needs to be some responsibility from retailers, publishers and authors to at least top-shelf such material.

EIGHTEEN: The Red Room of Pain is a nonsense. Described in the book and revealed in the film, the Red Room in my opinion is a fetish in itself. Non-kinky people think they're going to die here. Proper perves will think it's to die for. Here's 3D visualisation by Anita Brown Design Studio. Pretty good way to work out your dream play room I reckon. Here's a glimpse of red from the film.
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NINETEEN: It's not about the money. I believe that one of the reasons for the story's success is it's aspirational framework, helped by Ana's 'but I don't really want all this' demeanour, which assuages the reader's avaricious fantasies. And most fairy tales involve tales of royalty and wealth accumulation, beauty and the beast themes and redemption. But admittedly not hardcore S&M, unless you count that walking personification of BDSM Maleficent from Snow White, the hair pulling in Rapunzel, witches and of course, the non-consensual mischief-kink of the Three Bears' hot porridge. And those elves over there.

TWENTY: It's a true story (all BDSM is like this) and everyone's in danger. Wrong on two counts. Firstly it's fiction. And secondly, every arguement about fictional characters being this or that is kind of irrelevant: It's what you and your consenting partner discuss and decide to happen between you that's important. To be honest, this is the facilitational message my blogging and my book and app is all about. It's the opposite of being a killjoy: It's about setting up a framework of safety so all the fun, excitement, ecstasy and even mystery can be explored. It's not about being drunken or mashed, smug or uninformed freeform jazz bullshit trying to be cool, just as it's not about two characters from an airport novel.

TWENTY-ONE: Fifty Shades is fetishy. For a start there is no rubber. A travesty. That still hasn't stopped it help latex sales though. Hurrah! Here's a nice and bondagy, gratuitous latex picture.

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TWENTY-TWO: Fifty Shades is all about kink.  I don't think so. There are no gasmasks, PVC and fetish per se. With a lack of common kinks and fetishes, and with only hardcore BDSM only to create negative drama – you have perhaps a better reason to feel shortchanged. Kinksters have little to represent them, and kink-virgins have no scenes (on film) to inspire them to try new and shiny and squeak-creaky sensory experiences. Is it because it's not saleable, marketable or believable to include a specified fetishism? Weird, because in real-life I've only known people (women especially) to be hugely responsive to dressing up in expensive gear.

TWENTY-THREE: The story is badly written. Without sounding like I'm defending it, It's just EL James' fantasy. Ever read people's fantasies online? Don't like it? Write your own one. But a word on Fifty Shades as erotica: The whole thing is really a sex-love story with kink in it, than a kink-love story with sex in it. Why? The denouement of the third book, which, damn, spoils it for you now. But also, well the sex with kink is pretty much what a lot of people are not embarrassed to say they are trying these days. Tying up, handcuffs, spanking? (These are all covered in the Beginners Games section of my book and app.)

TWENTY-FOUR: It's what kink and love are all about. Ok, so this the nub of the story of the first film of the Fifty Shades Trilogy. But kink is supposed to improve the connection between you and your partner through the art of practicing clear communication. Ana and Grey's problem's begin because the love is unsaid – in fact Grey spells out what he wants very clearly, and it's not love  – and the kink therefore suffers. Ana can't overcome her fear and ignorance of BDSM practices, and Grey can't overcome his fear of revealing his past and who he thinks he is based on his urges. Too psychological? Maybe... but the point is neither of them discuss any of it, and so it ends becoming emotional drama instead of anything truly connected. Perhaps the misfires for both of them struck a chord with many readers.

TWENTY-FIVE: Dakota Johnson is a typically beautiful leading actor. Actually, Johnson is not stunning. She's a little bit dowdy, demure and bookish and doesn't behave like she wants to be submissive. Let's define that: Ana is herself: Not feminist nor typically sub, in that she's desperate for spanks. She's new to kink. But as the film seems to show, she becomes more attractive with each passing S&M scene. Or is that revelation just me? Or is that the way kink can make outer appearance less a priority and beauty appear in the unlikeliest places?

TWENTY-SIX: The negotiation scene is realistic. Mmm, vaginal fisting anyone? Yes, needy sub at the front, you might think it's a good idea, but even you know that these kinds of extreme play take time spent with your partner and at least a programme of 'training'. And remember, we are discussing the imaginary scenario of Ana the virgin discovering kink for the first time and not your omnipresent instant lust.

The reason this point is important is to reveal that Grey the Paradoxically Protective goes straight into kink couple contract mode, actually an advanced form of BDSM (but explained in mythbust 38, later). Most expert tops and doms and mistresses I am aware of would know that to meet a future sex partner such as the virginal Ana and go headlong into asking for such intrusive play is the unrealistic part of this fantasy negotiation.

Okay, so Ana is empowered by saying 'No' and crossing the more intense kink practices off of the list. But most active partners in real life know that even if they are openly manipulating a partner like Ana to their will, the revelation of their kinkiest kinks pose the threat of not only unsettling the realm of trust in the pace of their journey together, but also risk scaring them cold or worse, away. Perhaps this happens in the story anyway. But this goes against Grey's intelligence and sense of protection, making him less kinkcredible, in my blog.

TWENTY-SEVEN: Grey's tailoring was impeccable.This is a personal myth bust for me, as to be honest Christian Grey poses a threat to all men. No, I jest. I just wanted the billionaire character's clothes to less off-the-peg looking and more bespoke in their cut. There is an obvious cinematic parallel with the best of James Bond (Sean Connery, Daniel Craig, the Fleming book version) – aloofness, womanising, the high life, danger – and the style ought to also have been as deadly as an international secret agent. But it wasn't.

TWENTY-EIGHT: This is the first time we've seen a character like Grey on screen. Well, Grey was already perfectly cast (see mythbust 4 and 10). Yes we have mentioned Benedict Cumberbatch as a present-day missed opportunity, and James Spader hovers directly above this article. But the model I think for Grey should have been Sean Connery's Mark Rutland in Hitchcock's Marnie. Never was a man so simply beautiful in his raw masculinity and dodginess in mentoring his deviant prey Marnie Edgar played by Tippi Hedren. Helped by ahead-of-his-time direction, influenced by Fritz Lang, the air of confusion is different every time you watch it. Unlike Grey, Rutland takes his wife non-consensually – a polite expression for rape –'taking' his pleasure from Marnie on their 'honeymoon'. As Rutland does the deed, the camera turns to a cruise-ship porthole and a defiantly flat sea. Only the superb acting and direction could have got away with it, detailing and exploring as it did the peculiar notions of sexual expectations, psychology and morality of the time.
TWENTY-NINE: Grey is an abusive rapist. No. The character tells Ana to stay away from him. And more importantly before the intense CP scene at the end he asks Ana: You're sure about this? And she replies: Yes.

THIRTY: Grey is responsible as the active pursuer. Yes, we'll get to that.  But first, both partners are responsible and both are twentysomethings goading each other on. Ana is drawn to him and is changing him as much as he is changing her. Of course, the S&M needs are his, but these also change over the course of the story, as ultimately there has to be an element of redemptive love where female readers through Ana get to believe they save Grey from himself – and his BAD KINK... which they got off on throughout the three books.

We've repeated that this is fiction several times, so it's as relevant as you want to make it. What the uninformed are worried about is the effect on feminism Ana's passiveness will have and the influence Grey's 'abusiveness' will have on men. So yes, Grey is responsible, but not for abuse. Okay, Ana said 'do your worst', when we all know an experienced kinkster would want the kink to happen and mean: 'do your best'.

In other words she said 'do your worst' naively and gamefully, expecting terrible pain and a bad time. But it wasn't fair of her to expect Grey to second guess that, nor to indirectly imply NOT to do it – that's a baiting game too far.

Interestingly, in the way that Grey takes the fall for being MR. BAD KINK while conversely turning the readers on, he takes the fall as a bad guy who culturally represents the myth that ALL KINK IS BAD. You have to wonder: Do both the romance-seeking reader and the defenders of our gender morals use kink to keep themselves uninformed and smug?

The truth is, Grey should have seen Ana was emotional and denied her 'wish'. He should have seen her crying and stopped the flogging. All the good dominants I know would have not have even begun that scene. Grey kept going not only because he was doing as she requested, but also because he was guilty of lacking objectivity and common sense. Again this goes against the protective dom we are encouraged to believe, and so exposes itself not as a character flaw, but as a flaw in the writing of the character.

Well, we did need this 'scene' to be a cliffhanger for the next book, so like her readers and moral critics, even EL James is exploiting Grey.

THIRTY-ONE: Grey is some kind of serial killer. Really? It always amazes me when people jump to hysterically scary conclusions when kink is mentioned. It's an amazing insight into their own minds when they hyperlink kink to paedophiles, rapists, lunatics and murderers. This really speaks of overexposure to tabloid media and trash TV & movies (bearing in mind that Fifty Shades has the honesty to try and deal with S&M relationship issues head on). That said, the comparably minute percentage of psychopaths – and by this term I mean those who lack empathy and emotion – also do include politicians, CEOs and business leaders, and that actually brings us back to Grey's character. There are shades. But killer potential?

It's a simple question: Do you think the story would have been as popular if the were secretly a Mike Myers slasher type? Still, one can still get mileage out of misconception. I only scored 11/15 on this bit of fluff.
Picture
Christian Grey or Serial Killer?
THIRTY-TWO: Grey is a hardcore edge player. By edge play (or edgeplay) we mean those that are so far along on their kink journey they can or prefer playing without safewords and general safety: ie, they like playing beyond safety. In The Book of Kinky Sex Games my description is more precise:

"The thrills for edge-players are dicing with danger, trumping taboo, fucking with the mind and even risking serious injury or even death. It may involve serious adult play with breath; blood; body modification; fire; guns; knives; or excrement. It may involve crossing mental lines like acting out fantasies of incest; rape; or racial abuse. The discomfort that many of us would feel reading some of the areas of edge play is what draws others. It's important that you are aware such things exist when you explore the world of kink, to help define your personal list of fetishes and hard limits. It's too easy for me to say it's ok to try edge play as long as you are safe, sane and consensual, because edge players get their excitement from breaking away from this credo"
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Let's be frank, the BDSM in the story ends up being nothing more than high street sex shop bondage games. Or indeed, what many people have added to their sex menu, albeit without the Red Room, helicoptor rides and the mirky past. So in actualisation, there is no edge play in Fifty Shades: just fantasy-fed thrills. Grey representing and promoting edge play is not quite right.

THIRTY-THREE: Grey is not a hardcore edge player. I doubt this, for he is one or has been one, without a doubt. His refusal to deal his past shows shades of psychotic behaviour you may or may not be able to link to edge play. So perhaps he is borderline. The thing is, he would have known not to treat a newbie in such a way as to continue flogging them to 'six' when they were crying at 'one'. Before, when Ana enjoys her first bondage scene he says: "Welcome to my world", as if to reveal how great kink is. If he is her guide then why spoil the 'tour of this world' by being nasty? It's important to know edge-players sometimes agree to play without consent. Before Ana's flogging Grey asked if she was sure. She said yes, albeit emotionally. Even a proficient edge-player would have not proceeded, and that this is merely plot devising. It's too easy to blame his past and blur mad kink with madness. See mythbust 30 for my view on this.

THIRTY-FOUR: Fifty Shades is beyond debate. No, in reality it's a great conversation starter between kinksters and those intrigued by where it might lead them. The interest in fetish and BDSM over the past decade or so leads me to conclude we are in the midst of a sexual revolution anyway, and the upcoming generations will teach us to chill out even more I suspect. The phenomenon of Fifty Shades is a good starting point for many, and the themes are more complex than people realise, despite the deceptively simplistic or pedantically obsessional writing. I've yet to meet a reader who didn't have questions, theories and an eagerness to understand more.

THIRTY-FIVE: Being into Fifty Shades is a bit naff. Well it is a bit marketed. it does taunt the reader with a lack of imagination that forced many to put it down. But more naff than
decrying those with a need for erotica or an easy airport novel is the bad judgement of those who haven't read it and seem to know everything about it.

Isn't any route to kink a good or valid route? And that's assuming so-called kink sexperts aren't patronisingly assuming that Fifty Shades readers don't know the difference between fiction and fact, or indeed what kinky practices they really do or don't want for themselves as a result, with their partner's consent.

THIRTY-SIX: Fifty Shades will influence people to be bad. Is this because fictional Grey is a bad man, or because readers and filmgoers hope he is? To avoid the ensuing minefield that predicting reactions can cause I'm just going to say two things: One, no one speaks for everyone, so this includes those claiming to represent all women looking to protect women from themselves who love the story. And as Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder sang in that slice of supercheese Ebony and Ivory 'There is good and bad in everyone'. Two, in my experience, those that have been influenced tend to be at a beginner level and are looking for a little spice with their partner, ie they're not on a mindless nightly foray looking for sadistic, emotionally-stunted billionaires. Referring to those at an intermediate (and above) experience of kink play, they tend not to take Fifty Shades too seriously.

Bearing in mind that I don't speak for all men, have we not got bigger fish to fry with the proliferation of our gargantuan instant porn culture? Through apps, tablets, phones such an influence not only demeans and reshapes our view (literally) of women but contributes to men's low self-esteem when they fail to match screen physicalities and performances. For a great article and infographic for ProjectKnow detailing the negative effects of porn on men, click here.

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THIRTY-SEVEN: There is no one genuinely kinky in the film. Using my kink radar (Jason) Taylor the chauffeur, played by Max Martini (left), looked like the only one in the film remotely kinky in real life. Rita Ora? Not even with the bob.

THIRTY-EIGHT: Grey is masterly. Well, he loses his cool, so no. A master in the traditional M/S (master/mistress/slave) sense is less about romance and more about contract, unless a consenting M/S dynamic has discussed it differently. The contract and negotiation in Fifty Shades is more about Grey's legal position and to clarify what his newbie partner Ana doesn't want to do. This is more an initial dominant/submissive arrangement (note I didn't say relationship) because Grey likes his life 'just so', where Ana has her own bedroom etc. He is not being exactly a 'master' because Ana is not being controlled and she agrees to everything: She has not agreed to giving up her own free will, in other words.

The confusion arises from the classic erotic fiction idea of a protagonist male being 'masterly in the bedroom' (see pic below). And as the finalé of the film shows, by giving Ana six severe flogs Grey is not aware of all he supposedly surveys. Have we flogged this point too much?

Game 63 from The Book of Kinky Sex Games A Life of Service shows you how to practice a master or M/S dynamic once availed of all the related implications and potentially legal ramifications.

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THIRTY-NINE: Fifty Shades proves women love a bastard. Do they? Unfortunate but true? Is there 'something about a bad boy'? And why is this cliché relevant?

It's important to note that Grey appears to 'take care' of Ana in real-life: saving her from being horribly drunk, putting her to bed, buying her expensive stuff, no matter how 'controlling' this appears. This is not a true reprobate.

I saw a dommy guy intentionally tying someone's hands up too tight as a bit of mischief, while I was told about another dom spiking his sub's drink with twice as much gin. The first dom got away with it because the sub was titillated by his actions (silly girl) and there were people like me around to untie and comfort her. In the second case it was a risk to the female's sub's health and ultimately a little vengeful or uncaring, ie not sadistic for mutual fun. This is just a small example of how situations, people and dynamics are multi-faceted.

What kind of bastard or bitch is required to get your kinky love going? If they threaten your safety or sanity then they are beyond being a simple 'git' worth your time, as the mutual care isn't there.

FORTY: Ana is a submissive. Shock! Horror! But I don't think she is. Such an obvious point, but this is probably key to the book's success. At no point does she have a identity crisis montage to say, 'Well I guess I must be a sub'. Nor is this fundamental aspect explored. She is more about being knowingly seduced, while resilient and fighting for love. Ana doesn't just accept nor lie down to Grey's whims. She challenges: The arrangement for weekend play doesn't really have a rhythm.

So generally it's not an abusive relationship, nor is it anti-feminist: no matter what Sophie Green might have said in The Guardian. Ana consents to everything, including I'm afraid, the nasty flogging. Narratively, it's a story of relationship struggle, and as the tale unfolds it seems Ana is getting to the 'bottom of the mystery' of 'Fifty's fuckedupness'. In fact many of the submissive-feminists reacting with shouts of 'abuse' seem to miss this crucial point. Having read all three books I say this, because there is an important arc (albeit with a confusing epilogue) that kind of wants to have its cake while gorging on it: That Ana saves Grey from his shades of strangeness, so all is well and safe.

FORTY-ONE: This is the nasty, 'wrong' side of BDSM. Well, to be honest, mistakes happen all the time. In my guide The Book of Kinky Sex Games I discuss the notion of 'proper wrongsex', where the proper part comes from our consenting kink scenes being encouched in as much safety and awareness as possible: the wrongsex part is our shared love of perviness. Yes, there are elements of the fiction Fifty Shades where things go wrong. However this isn't to say mistakes don't happen in real-life kink play, because they do. Perhaps kinksters are understandably reticent to focus on when BDSM goes wrong wrong for fear of naysayers using it to badmouth our practices, but the fact remains that like in all areas of physical (eg sport, travelling) and psychological (eg hypnotism, therapy) activity mistakes do happen. Thankfully the true horror tales are few and far between and tend to become the stuff of legend. And the more gentle mishaps reveal just how robust we are human beings and also just how plain funny we can be.

FORTY-TWO: The story is humourless. Well, the book is, but not the film. And a crucial part of kink is missing from the written play scenes, and that element is FUN. There was a lot to be had from wry smiles and suggestive smirks that was missing from the oh-so-serious Mr Grey, however cheesy doing that sounds. However, the film does almost get to that, where the humour to be derived arises mostly when the characters acknowledge the absurdity of their situations and give in to each other a bit, like in the negotiation scene where they both strike out hard limits for Ana: "Find anal fisting. Strike it out", is a brilliant line. This positive review in The Telegraph enjoys this as much as I did.

FORTY-THREE: Fifty Shades is evidence that your childhood experiences make you kinky. Mmm, the question of how our childhood experiences formulate our perversions is under continual debate throughout the kink circles of the world. But the fact remains, we all possess personalities and minds that are either receptive, tolerant, indifferent or repulsed by kinks, regardless of previous experience. Grey has had terrible traumas, as revealed in Fifty Shades Darker and ...Freed, the next instalments, but do you believe anyone, fictional or actual, wants to relive their negative traumas? The better answer is that only these receptive kink explorers are investigating, harnessing (literally!) and learning to control adrenaline rushes at their behest, in a consented-to environment: the exact opposive of negative and traumatic situations of yesteryear. Yes, in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the outland interests of kinksters are 'potentially problematic'. But this is because fetishists, BDSM practitioners and all manner of sadist, masochist, sub, dom/domme, top, bottom, mistress, master and slave have not just had more experiences, and are not the only ones open to new experience, they've actually been more conscious of experience happening (the aforesaid receptive element). Subsequently they are curious about what is happening and will happen in their minds. In other words, their minds are expanding for real. This probably explains why it's constantly being proved again and again that the 'kinky sex people' can be psychologically healthier than those who are not about 'the kinky sex'.

FORTY-FOUR: Fifty Shades as a work is dangerous. Well this comes under a discussion of books, followed by films. Firstly if a book is 'dangerous' then what would that make an infinitely more accessible and commercial blockbuster movie? I think this kind of talk is patronising and belittling, showing a disdain and lack of credit for the intelligence of readers in general. I've already shown in this blog how misunderstood this book is, both from the point of view of kink experts, to feminists, journalists and authors: Their ignorance is the dangerous part. Mostly Fifty Shades is a psychological adventure yarn, meticulous to the point of mundanity, stopping short of 'lists in pages' like other culturally significant works such as Lord of the Rings (histories of Middle Earth), Moby Dick (whaling), American Psycho (brands, yuppie consummerism and Genesis) or Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (philosophy of quality), to become accepted as high-brow 'art'. And it's not The Bible, and look how many people that continues to be responsible for killing. Kathryn Casey says: "I’ve seen over and over again is that a man who needs to dominate, humiliate, and physically abuse a woman isn’t a hero". No he isn't. But that is to assume that a fictional character with not unlike the impact of Dracula is a hero. He is not, he is a conduit for the reader or viewer's dice with danger.
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FORTY-FIVE: God, all we hear about is bloody Fifty Shades. Hey, you don't have to write this blog, by the time this is finished it will be out on DVD. And it will, in May. But with an alternative ending. Is this important? Well, the final scene has Grey giving Ana six floggings and her saying 'Stop'. Her safeword was 'Red', reminding ourselves that she has consented to the scene and knows this is the word she says to cease the action. By not hearing a said safeword, Grey appears not to be culpable. Director Sam Taylor-Wood seems to want to make it look like Grey forgets himself in the moment, or reinforcing Grey as an abuser, by reinstating the word 'Red'. As it stands, the theatrical release means he's not being abusive in the realm of play after Ana said: 'Do your worst'. So not only does the 'Stop' help create a narrative 'out' for Grey to be forgiven, but it also seems to show he was being true to the tenets of S&M play, although, as we have shown previously in myth bust Thirty-Eight and before, he was not being TRULY masterly, or ultimately, being a caring dominant. Did he have to be? Of course. For one that's what makes the framework for great or at least better SS&C kink, and two, Ana was a complete novice and so needed proper, more professional vigilance.

FORTY-SIX: Fifty and Grey are not culturally significant. And not important because the writing is not good enough? One has to remember the story is worked-on fan-fiction for online friends, the author's fantasy, and then marketed as an airport novel pageturner, so what do you want? Mythbusts 8 and 16 have more on this. The significance part comes because it seems to have hit a nerve of kink within and for the masses. I'm not so sure, I think it's more a conduit for people's intrigue and titillation and it seems readers and viewers enjoy remaining intrigued, mostly as consumers of erotic fiction. In other words, Extra Strength Harold Robbins, Shirley Conran or Jackie Collins. And to clarify, it's been bought into as story with these (extra) multiple dynamics, one of which is the perception that the reader is on some sort of beginner's course in BDSM. The resulting debate that it really isn't plus the column inches dedicated to it's perceived effect and influence, plus it's true effect and value has really given the trilogy and film(s) it's cultural relevance. That and the fact it sold 100 million plus.

FORTY-SEVEN: It's a beginner's course in kink. Eh-hum. It certainly isn't. In it's defence (as if it needs me to defend it!) and as we have reiterated, being EL James' fantasy means it's not unlike like an extended version of anyone's entry-level writings on an erotic forum. But this time it's actually written, detailed and then edited better. Just ask her husband Niall Leonard, who said in The Guardian: "She'd write a new chapter every week or so, and I would proof-read it, checking her spelling, adding and subtracting commas, cutting back on those bloody ellipses..." This means it has the enthusiasm of someone discovering kink and giving it more of a story framework. However, as it seems to be many people's entry-level reading into BDSM, a mass appeal that EL James did not apparently foresee, a lot of kink safety is missing:

Examples of excluded kink safety:
  • pre-session discussion and aftercare
  • extended discussion over what will and won't happen during the scene
  • warming up before spanking
  • caution with advanced play involving a newbie learner
  • caution about mixing play with a mentally imbalanced or demanding partner
  • a discussion about the passive partner's preferences

Ok, relax Jackson Rocco, it's a book not a guide. And yes, I've already said this throughout the article, and also credited you with not being stupid enough to start picking up floggers and hitting people when you're drunk, either on booze or on your own ego: Or worse, encourage or goad people to hit you. But you will need to be vigilant and practice separating fiction from fact.

And the fact is that if you don't practice kink safety then your play session will run the risk of being a random emotional mess. If you're in a couple, then you risk driving a wedge between the both of you. If you're a long-term kinky single and you're worried that you don't have a lover, then perhaps you can look at whether you're conveying that it would be reckless to let you be the dominant, or as a passive player lack the emotionally maturity to compartmentalise play scenes and real life. There is a safety section reviewed as 'worth the price alone' in my acclaimed kink guide.

FORTY-EIGHT: Kink should be like Fifty Shades. Because you read it in a book? Yes, well, see the previous point and read my book, which is in fact, not fiction. But I will say this: it's glamorous. And many kinky people I know aspire to a more affluent and glitzy life. It's because kink is a cereberal and celebrational pursuit for those seeking to broaden their experience and refine their imagination. If this is what you're thinking, that your life should be more full of Egyptian cotton sheets, Seattle skylines and... gliders, then perhaps your needs are more generic and financially far-reaching than your present understanding of safe, sane and consensual kink between loving partners.

FORTY-NINE: But Grey is controlling. And yes, he's overbearing. But he's a billionaire industrialist and so this, supposedly, is part of his character. I'm sure you would have dinner with one just out of curiosity. The thing is, when people are quick to slate his characterization they miss the fact that the point is Ana sees past Grey and overcomes the psychological obstacles to literally lay herself down or put herself on a cross for him. It's like a weird love test she has to go through to earn her hold on HIM. Ana doesn't except the expensive books and car and the reader roots for her integrity. Yes, Grey is attempting to control, but can't really. This is just a strong romantic fiction device for female readers, and makes any attempt to label it anti-feminist a little unthought-out.

FIFTY: You must be glad of Fifty Shades for helping your blog. Personally I make nothing off this blog focusing on Fifty Shades, potentially it's not that great for my kinkcredibility. My interest is purely cultural and intellectual – at a time when misinformation can be instantaneously spread through social media and the internet.

My reputation stands and falls on daring to educate further than most. I hope some of the above mythbust examples here have shown you that there is more to kink than simply attaching it to an opinion about Fifty Shades, or vice versa. Having been promoted as the real-life Christian Grey, and having met at least thirty people (okay, women) who have projected me or wanting me as this type (some kind of sexually-entertaining dominant psycho I guess) I have to inform you that fortunately I have consistently failed to take advantage of the outrageous opportunities presented to me. I'm glad to tell you this because what I am in private is frankly, much more exciting. Being a fictional character is limiting, being yourself has endless possibilities. Be yourself. Perhaps you can argue that writing under a psuedonym I am only almost true to you, but then we didn't have a pre-blog discussion did we?

Play safe and have lots of weird adult fun
Jackson x
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What We Mean by Fetish Scene

1/19/2015

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Dungeon Bar Brighton, UK

What kind of club is this?
The Dungeon Bar in Brighton is more of a bar/club hybrid, open for casual drop-in and late-night play. It's quite possibly the first of it's kind in that you can just walk in.

When you say play...?
All kinds of kink, from the image above you see straight away what or who is doable. You can use any of the equipment, they always have someone on hand to show you and you partner what's what. If anything hardcore is going on then the doorstaff instruct anyone coming in about what to expect.

When does the Dungeon Bar open and where is it exactly?
At the weekends for now (6pm-2am) , but I am sure they will do functions and special parties in the week as well. It's £5 late entry (free before) and it's situated in Regency Square which is opposite the dilapidated West Pier on the border of Brighton and Hove. It's halfway up/down on the western side in the basement underneath the Royal Pavilion Townhouse Hotel, which is convenient if you want to stay over, because they're affiliated.

Is it a straight or gay bar?
It's for all consenting adults. It's not overtly one thing or another, this is Brighton after all, although the abundance of play equipment screams KINK! and KINK! repeatedly. But I will recommend to the organisers to put on dedicated gay and lesbian nights, as this will attract those who need their community around them to feel less uninhibited.

Are newcomers welcome?
Of course. I've seen people walk in off the street purely out of casual curiosity. The hospitality is second to none, usually by hostess Kitten Skye, the Dungeon Bar's public face. And a beautiful one it is too. There are also plenty of seasoned players around too to keep an eye on things and seek advice from.

Kitten Skye, I recognise the name.
Yes she's a representative for the female-centric Killing Kittens phenomenon and I believe they might be going to do some of their 'women only' nights in the Dungeon Bar. Here's a "hot and arty" self-bondage film she made earlier... that YouTube banned.

Any big events coming up?
Apart from every weekend of course, the relaunch is Saturday 21st February, so I've stuck that in the Fetischedule. According to Facebook: "Up until 10:30 it will be a BDSM-themed party and from 10:30 onwards it will be a hardcore (but no preassure) play event so we have the best of both worlds and curious vanillas and press can choose to leave before things get too debauched."

It's also hostess Kitten Skye's birthday.
She'll be 25, so take her a little present if you want to impress. She likes cake and chocolate.

Pictures by Woj Okuszko
Dungeon Bar Website
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The Fear of Sexual Anarchy (Pt2)

1/15/2015

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Hello again,

So you're back in the room. And the room is full of writhing bodies.

What about orgies?
What about them? The trouble with orgies is when you leave you never know who to thank. Old joke. But I can't really speak for these kind of parties, because they're not really my cup of meat.

I'm not polyamorous or a swinger, and again each individual practitioner will tell you whether not not they are enjoying it for the 'anarchy'. Most I have met testify to a certain need to wander from the norm, but within what they do there are codes, signals and cliques.  Did you catch Sex Party Secrets on Channel 4? (See the trailer above).

So Channel 4 has to make entertainment out of this show.
What can they offer if they don't show the subject itself? What we get is empty rooms, mansion front gates closing slowly and talking heads in masks responding to why they do it. Well the answer is of course: for a good time. And there's no apology, just ordinairy people trying to follow their hearts. And probably the most important observation is that to follow this libertarian world of straight sex (not strictly kink) you need to be emotionally strong. In the same way that following your heart does take strength.

But if you think you are ready for this and you're interested in attending one of the parties you saw, email me at jacksonroccobdsm@gmail.com and mark in the subject PARTY REQUEST and I'll put you in touch with one of the organisers. Or contact me direct here. And of course there is a vetting procedure, just so you know. In the meantime ...Here are some tips!

Polyamorous lovers have more than one partner, as many partners as they want to arrange, based on convenience and stamina, mainly.
Polyamory is touted as ethical because it's consensual and therefore supposed to be transparent, but it's not for those who quickly get exhausted by the protestations of one lover, let alone a small crowd. It works for many straight and kink players looking to explore a need their primary partner is not into, or for polysexual lovers looking to mix up the gender love with the someone othersex who can provide it. You can imagine, that I have only described a little of this scene and the potential for crossed-wires is enormous. But the inherent practice of open communication amongst the poly people tells you that this a world of subtle etiquette and power dynamics. Not anarchy.

Swinging tends to be more of a weekend leisure pursuit.
Not unlike golfing holidays, less the walking and clown costumes. It's about partner swapping, where both lovers' needs for other lovers is permitted and encouraged so therefore consensual. Protection, hygiene, vetting and organisation tend to be reoccurring topics at swinging parties, so again: it's not anarchy.

But then as we approach the end of part one of this blog I'm going to submit to you – yes I have been known – the idea of random chaos. Aren't we all, despite our best intentions at the behest of the next thing that happens?

In Pt3 (yes I know I've been jigging these blogs about, please forgive me) I shall tell you about a woman who tried to introduce her spanking and medical kinks into a relationship. Through wild abandon she attempted to bring her and her man closer. Meanwhile the man, who enjoyed all the ideas and showed his excitement realised he was being drawn into a place he was finding evermore increasingly intense. The question this relationship posed was: Why did this man have (a) fear of sexual anarchy if it was sexual liberation he was enjoying? 

Incidentally: 'foabbwioaa' (see part 1) is the answer most given by people with ball-gags in their mouth when asked a question. I'm off for a quiet lie down.

Kink safely,
Jackson ; )
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The Infinite Mirrors

12/21/2014

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A simple reflection.

I get asked a lot why I love my fetishes, BDSM practice and kink in general. I'm asked naturally by those who don't do it and are curious... and unnaturally by those that do and want a wantasy for the night.

Sigh.

Well, who cares, it's Christmas.
But what I wanted to share today was a simple thought that answers, in more ways than you can imagine, not only why I have a passion for kink but also the age-old D/S (dominance and submission) dynamic question, between the two adult players of who actually holds the power?

For me, it ends up not really mattering.
If you're playing with someone you love and loves you in return then the cycle of care will be there anyway. But if you have a kinklust for your partner, you should get what gets them off. And so in turn that will get you off too. Got me?

We can even work around potential disappointment.
Take the Newbie Domme looking to replicate her ex's retifism (shoe and footwear fetishism) through a new boyfriend who only finds her boots horny, but not a reason to have an orgasm. She doesn't have to have her projection of how he should feel play out to the nth degree, does she? If she cares to care, she could ask:

a) This is what I want, (total boot worship) can you do it for me?
b) Ok, what would you like to do... for me instead?
c) Ok, what would you like to do...
d) Make sure you do a good job of licking my boots anyway and we'll see what you'll get for being good.

Kink is a reflection of your love for the other sharing a mutual pursuit. Or about creating mutuality through adult play. It's consensual. Although the ideal, a fixed idea of how the other should think is the opposite of wild fantasy is it not?

So, this D/S dynamic power question:
Does it see the dominatrix/dom dominant partner dishing out the rules, or the submissive/passive partner setting out the boundaries, limits and list of their wants?

You could argue both do.
Both 'negotiate' before a kinky sex session.
There is also a tantalisng play of power during the session itself, as each kink lover listens, looks and feels out for signals of joy, tension or distress (enjoyable or not).
Then, in the aftercare time both recount the kink practices with a different perspective and non-mutual version of who controlled whom. As long as they both talked, communicated, used play psychology and actually planned aftercare it's pretty likely they would have both had a phenomenal time whatever they got up to.

Why is this likely? Why can we always argue and discuss 'which player has control'?
Because in kink we can get lost in the reflection of infinite mirrors.

We love our love. Our love loves us.
We love our love because our love loves us. And so on.
And because kink is a deeper more cerebral expression of love. We play because our partner wants to play with us. We dominate because we have a deep need our partner sees and is in turn excicted by. And we who dominate/submit are excited by the deep need in a submissive's/dominant's eye when we see their need.
And again, vice versa, so it revolves, so it reflects.

So when people ask to me, why I like fetish and BDSM I of course can't help but be positive, Because with great adult play you are playing into space, it's not closed, it's not stonewalled with a fixed opinion provided by manipulation. It's freewheeling infinitely, creating deeper and lovelier feelings between you and your partner.

People complain that love burns and then it's over. Or it changes and becomes something different. You've seen those couples – nothing to say to each other. Fixed. and unhappy their projections went unscreened. Nowhere then to go. No communication.

For me, my advocacy of kink begins and doesn't end, because when it's great it makes for endless possibilities to explore our multifariously fascinating souls.

Does that mirror your love of things kinky?
Does this mirror the way you love?

Thanks for reading
Jackson x





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Have a Positively Kinky Christmas

12/18/2014

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Howdy hi my fetish friends

Well I and my kink cohorts have been pretty busy, so forgive me for the dearth of posts, but hey, we're still here.

Hopefully you will have noticed our new kink columnist Nicky Ives starring in the weekly blog How I Get My Other – yes, it's not her real name of course, but 'Nicky's' life IS real and she does speak from her mostly uncensored, feminist yet submissive heart. I met Nicky online and felt that her stories of meeting men for kink were worthy of a blog, chiming as they seem to do with many people I have met on the kink scene.

Plus we've started a humble little Fetischedule for kink and fetish dates, so if you have any please send them to us here. Right now I'm copy and pasting in event details, so click on the day and it will show all the info you need to know, plus give you a time-saving Google map.

On the app side we've been busy putting some ideas together to help the visuals, including a 3000 image Pinterest page to jig your imagination and show you what we mean when we show the difference between a nettle flogger and nettles in the The Book of Filthy Sex Games.

Perhaps some might see this all as 'spam': the idea of selling you something. But you'll find that most of the links, bar the obvious sidebar ads are indirect and ultimately have a holistic educative purpose. For me this all part of the same crusade: to spread a better more informed (and less political, overly academic and cliquey) version of alternative sex practices than is currently out there. I hope you can bear with us as we get this all together. Thank you for your support and share the links to those you reckon would like them.

Have a Positively Kinky and Merry Christmas...
...and I hope you get everything you ask for on your naughty list ; )

Jackson
x
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What the Guy Who Wants Anal Isn't Telling You

11/14/2014

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This anal positions post from the Bad Girls Bible is almost perfect. 
But without wishing to sound like a naff half-Movembered 'Dad'  I think you as a member of the kink fraternity need to be ahead of the curves on this one. 

Namely that you need to be aware this book was written by a man, for women, exclusively. 

From what I've read it seems based on training females how to please men.
Yes, this is obvious. And, speaking as a man, and a man who has written a book and app on perverted sex practices I have to say this is a good idea, for men to communicate and let women know what they like. But here I think such 'advice' can have the potential to mislead people – of all genders – into a world of where the result is mistreatment and subservience via misguidance. For a start the tips assumes the author is speaking for the pleasure of all men, which he is not.

Fucking someone/being fucked in the backside can hurt if they're/you're not relaxed.
Worse still it can traumatize the receiver if they have been cajoled, egged on or peer pressured to do it. Man, woman, transgender, even some of the author's 'bad girls' – with or without a strap on. What the article neglects to say is that not everyone wants anal. And yes, not all guys want to give or receive it.

Let's really get down to it, here is my rebuttal. 
This is grown-up play awareness now.
Here are some things I didn't read in this post about how to have great anal sex...

But for those who do want to engage in anal sex then the both of you need to...
  1. Secure consent that you both really want to do it
  2. Talk about it before, during and after to support each other
  3. Get the mood right: using warm light, temperature, music, location, etc
  4. Wash (!) and clean and hopefully smell good
  5. Take time and patience with each other
  6. Breathe and relax your body, not forcing against resistance
  7. See slow penetration as extended foreplay if you or your partner is not ready
  8. Cease activity if there is a problem and move straight to aftercare
  9. Make sure you don't mix up holes in case you spread infection or encourage health risks (see questions check below)
  10. Make sure you are or have prepared (towels, wipes, disposal bags etc) for any 'whoops... awkward...' mess

Anal penetration is a profoundly kinky act.
And one of the go-to central acts of a pervert's repertoire. But this is because it deepens the eroticism, sensuality and connection between consenting, loving partners. This is because you are actively doing the list of things above thus strengthening your connecting. 

In a sendaround blog-post you can't not head up the safety aspects.
This is a bit reckless. Okay, I know, it sounds like I'm spoiling the sport, the thrill, the kink of a balls-emptying buggery. But really, as all good perverts know, the communing preliminary, during and afterward attention is what makes kink the thing. 

Perhaps to you 'anal' can be a cold and brutal way of being intimate, so therefore isn't.
It can be if its bad. But if you have adult play awareness then accessing your primal sides is great fun. Just don't ever default to monkey or encourage monkey behaviour by trying too hard because a book told you 'that's how men want it'. Pictures, positions and tips are excellent: but fantastic sex happens mostly in the mind: the list of ten tips above will be more invaluable to you and yours as you continue to practice.

So, to check: have you and your partner discussed how you're going to do these exciting anal positions? It's not just one person that should be excited because they've read a post on Facebook to make them expert in bed. The information needs to be shared. It's about getting excited together. Not one person being the expert...receptacle... just to please the other. 

You have to ask each other: 
Does this person really care about me and want to show me a fun time?
Is this person responsible enough to check the following questions with me?

You shouldn't feel afraid to check these questions with each other.
Do you know that each other has had recent all-clear from the sexual health clinic?
What's the latest advice on STDs from the NHS, and do you both know that most STDS – chlamydia, gonorrhea, infectious hepatitis and HIV – are transferable from the anus to the vagina?
Have you discussed contraception?
Who's buying the lubricant?

These are not fuddy-duddy, uncool in-the-way questions. They are the basis for loving, trust-building FAQs to make a way for brilliant congress between you and your consenting mate.

For more non-gender specific and facilitational kink, fetish and BDSM fun and safety please check out my book and app. 

Have a brilliant time together,
Speak soon
JR x


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Return to the Planet of the Vapes

11/11/2014

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The controversy-baiting new ads for e-cigarette brand VIP, call to mind the non-PC days of the epic, supersoft-focused Cadbury's Flake commercials of the 70s and 80s...

...in that they both use the inferred promise of fellatio to sell something that goes in your mouth.
Well yes, it's interesting. And fair play to the Manchester-based VIP for putting a male version of it out. See clip number three:

BUT: 

And this is a big cigarette butt.
Surely a proper mirror of the woman talking about sucking on an e-cig should be the man talking about putting a 'phantom 'e-cock' in his mouth. What would be the problem of this in the year 2014, the year of same-sex marriage?  And surely that would help sales with the subsequent uproar of forbidding outrage? Or maybe a gay version is to come? 

The push for vaping to become the new slang for blow-job starts here. This will be the only I think you could get any sexual kudos for vaping. That and faintly Carry On humour-style advertising with the backfiring question: "Do you want to see it?"

Personally I don't need to see any of this in my life, nor am I excited by e-cigs, as they still emit a silly smell I find invasive and non-consensual (hah!). But I guess if it helps some trying to quit smoking it's a good thing. Yet the evidence points to smoking addicts needing more when they see cigarette-related imagery, even despite government death warnings on packets and titanic tobacco firms being successfully sued.

Still, reverse psychology is something us fetishists and perves can only empathize with, being how must us get our kicks from things we're 'not supposed to be doing'. So let's leave the last and perhaps more honest feature presentation to fetish model Monique Charriere to halt our hearts and raise our blood pressure – with a good old-fashioned smoking in latex video. And watch out for those smoke rings, they're deadly.
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