I'm back after a break decorating my flat (dark red mostly seeing as you didn't ask) and thought I'd better answer this email sent to me from 'Maria' in the Czech Republic, a Fifty Shades Trilogy reader and newbie newbie:
"I've read through your blog and your articles and I have loads of questions ; )
First of all I was surprised that there seems to be quite an extensive philosophy behind the whole kink scene, which I didn't really expect to be honest. You're talking a lot about how important communication is. It all sounds quite "complicated", meaning that you have to spend much time with your partner to find out what he or she wants and how your sex life will be performed. I wonder if you have spontaneous sex as well?
"At the moment it sounds like, before actually having sex, you need to spend hours on talking about it?! I know it's more than the actual sex but still, does it happen spontaneously as well?
"Another thing that came to my mind is if you're having "kink sex" only... So are you getting turned on only if kink is involved or does it depend on the situation/people etc.? How or when did you realize that you liked those things? I can imagine that it must have been quite an overwhelming discovery..."
Firstly Maria, thank you for reading my blog and sending in these insightful questions, and in English! I don't represent all kink of course, but I do speak about the positive version of it for consensual adult play and I can give you both private insights and generally-held opinions.
Maybe I can rework your questions a little for clarity.
Many kink people love complexity, as this is a sign of intelligence and cerebral engagement. They tend to rally against the clichéd 'vanilla' relationship model where everything can seem tired, limited or unthought through. Kink people – fetishists, BDSM practitioners and pervy sex lovers – go on a lifetime journey and develop their buried desires as they mature. It's like a rebirth of sorts. It could be they have always known too.
But as this journey, or effort, becomes important to them, they tend to carry their differences proudly.
Do I have spontaneous sex?
Personally I never had at the beginning of a relationship, because a guy tends to get knocked back a lot before he meets someone, then he avoids the obstacles and makes a lot of effort to go dating or engineer meeting that compatible someone, and then women will always have the final say, of course. Often I have failed to get excited as the man expected to be a machine and thought of as 'always after one thing'. And one night-stands can be pitiful.
As women get older and the body clocks switch around the reverse is more true where women give chase and do more of the work towards a 'spontaneous' moment. A dominatrix came round once and forced straight sex on me. It was very strange, and as a guy I couldn't say, erm, can we have a moment (and kill her moment)? I was too bemused, polite and busy trying to get hard for her. It was kind of an assumption that she – the woman – was that wonderful.
But then this automatic sex assumption probably stems from the fact that some men will fuck anything and/or quickly. But this usually means the the woman will get a rough deal long term, as part of the charm of a bad or sex-led boy is that they don't give a fuck. And literally won't give sex any more.
In any relationship then – vanilla or kink – pretty much a couple tends to go for it according to each others habits (rhythms) and moods. Spontaneous sex will occur a lot in the honeymoon of love, but tends, generally, to peter out over the years. Kink couples are just as abnormal as everyone else – ie. there is no such thing as normal. (Under the microscope we are all different or weird really). So they will or won't be up for spontaneous sex depending on who they are and at what stage of their body clock and relationship they are at.
Kink couples who are experienced with each other tend to have sex/kink whenever without prior chats, because they can read each other – usually better than vanilla couples, because they have invested all the conversational time in already. What kink in itself will do is form a closer bond where consistently good times are more likely than just straight sex. And straight sex is also on the menu too, of course. Some do pervery at weekends, some as a lifestyle, others hide it from their partners.
The thing is, kinky couples have answered the problem of consistent sexual congress over time, whether it's spontaneous, planned or planned to be spontaneous. And yes, this is perhaps why vanilla couples may turn to 'bondage and whips' when they approach middle-age.
Some kink practitioners pride themselves on only getting turned on by their kink, and this makes up a major part of their sexuality. Personally, I feel that a holistic approach is better, where everything is open to discussion. Including... how much discussion.
Fundamentally, I get off making a woman happy, whether she wants to make love, have lots of foreplay, wants to submit to me (where she has set out the parameters) or wants to make me her 'sex slave'. Kink provides me with an arena to access this important of me that wants to give without fear of being disrespected, undervalued or taken for granted.
Two examples of kink sex spontaneity for you:
1. A man is caning a woman over every spelling mistake she has made (Game 36). She cries out for more caning –for she is a needy, greedy submissive – and instead suddenly, off the cuff, the dom lubricates her anus and defiles her. This can happen because in a pre-session discussion the couple know that instantaneous anal sex has been agreed upon. Where it gets pervier... well, I'll leave that to your imagination.
2. A woman wakes up in the night and turns on her bedside lamp (Game 49). Beside her is a man cocooned in a rubber sleep sack buckled up tightly. He has plenty of air and is dozing. She unzips his 'suit' to play with his nipples and penis, just because she feels like using him 'spontaneously'. She gets herself off watching the man get erect and her toying with him as he writhes around in frustration. She comes and turns of the light and sets the alarm again for an hour and a half later. At dawn she might reward him.
A lot of it is... anticipation, extended foreplay, the first stage of female orgasm before the plateau. Kink is a way to SUSTAIN sexual interest, as for days after you would be thinking about a very private, very personal, deep route to the mind, soul and body thing you did together. Naturally, this is the same for LGBT kinksters as well, and the preferences inherent may or may not come into play.
In conclusion Maria, in my opinion, get the SSC (safety, sanity, consensuality) and the communication, psychology and aftercare right between you and your partner and kinky sex can't help but be caring, loving and bonding, spontaneous, prolonged or consistent. It loops it's goodwill into itself. You know it's working because you're both excited and usually beaming from ear to ear.
It might be that after a day of reminiscing over the night before a couple get home and just fuck on the kitchen table. It could be that just talking about it gets you off, as the channels to the mind and body open to other sensations and new kinds of orgasm.
I hope this helps you find you and your consenting partner with things to dream about!
Play safe and have fun,
Jackson ; ) x