Today is a quick breeze through three potentially megasick situations that cropped up on the Interfet over the past year.
I'm talking about Slurry Guy, Dolphin Woman and Hoover Man.
Why discuss them?
Aren't we playing into the hands of the sensationalist kind of journalism that brought these stories to our attention?
I guess to a certain extent yes. But I feel it's important that as my book takes a definite positive kink stance on the alternative sex version of the world, we need to explore and express our views. In no way should the dazzling headlights of the extremity in these cases faze us: for we are the happy, kinky rabbits who know that our practices are safe, sane and consensual.
Can we can thus apply these ideas to the following unfortunate events to help us be less ignorant and more humane?
I think we can at least try.
You may already know about Slurry Guy, David Truscott, infamous for having a cow slurry fetish. I'll say it again, cow slurry fetish. This chap's passion was oft to find him rolling around naked in the stuff down in Redruth, Cornwall way. David's interest began with cow pats and then obviously, I mean, naturally escalated. You can read the full story here.
His deal was that his fetish drove him to seek out more dirt – literally – to the point where it seems the illicit procurement of it (pats, slurry) was part of the thrill. So far, so gooey.
Then there is Dolphin Woman.
Margaret Howe was a researcher studying the dolphin when her subject 'Peter', a pretty horny devil of a mammal in need of constant relief was 'helped out' with massage therapy to make him less of a distraction to other dolphins. What started as a necessary practice turned into an intimate bonding between human Howe and cetacean Peter.
The relationship manifested because the experiment involved 24-hour close proximity. When the work was finished Peter lost the will to live, because he had fallen in love with his human female (scientist) mate. Shipped to a new home the crestfallen dolphin sank to the bottom of his tank, denied himself oxygen that air-breathing mammals need to live and took his own life.
The temptation with both these tragic stories is to focus on perversion as somehow the cause. It's what makes news and gets us all excited, and only in the dramatic way. In both stories we are focused on extremes, but in both cases we are still dealing with unknowns.
In cow-slurry fan David's case he is on the autism spectrum and is now serving 10 years plus five under licence. Where he went wrong was that he was causing damage and fear, and his reckless behaviour resulted in the death of a calf when he set fire to a barn. Up till the moment before he was trespassing and breaking laws you could argue that all he would want for is a barrel of cow slurry to play in. An odd hobby yes, but if nobody got hurt or was intimidated, who would care? The story comes to our attention because others have been alarmed or harmed in some way.
In Margaret's case, she is a scientist and so the moral debate is part of a cycle of biological studies. It's easy to say in hindsight what they should have done, but the truth is, ironically they were finding out. They all knew Peter was a force of nature for whom consent was not a concern. But could the scientists have not drawn a line or not provided a mate for Peter? Was it not presumptuous to give Peter's dolphin balls 'an empty', as they say in Bolton?
It's more complicated when you realise that dolphins have retractable hand-like penises that can swivel round and literally 'feel' you: making them extraordinarily randy.
So when people go for that once in a lifetime spiritual swim with the dolphins those gleeful, click-training mammals are more likely echo-locating you with raw and rotary sexual friskiness. Some swimmers are aware of this, most are not. But it's interesting how animal behaviour seems more innocent though, and more fascinating how we humans Disney-fy and anthropomorphize the whole affair: Or rely on humanizing animals to make a connection.
The truth is, when us humans get in the mix with our pursuits, whether noble or passion-driven we have to be careful. This not only naturally goes for all other sentient creatures and their living spaces, but ultimately to ourselves. David's cow slurry fetish and Peter's dolphin nature to indiscriminately find gratification (in his case leading to love) in themselves are not immoral: these urges just are.
Both the case above, extreme and exceptionally rare as they are, highlight the same ideas of responsibility and respectfulness that any alternative sex practice requires. There was no safety, sanity or consensulaity framework for David or Peter's desires, wherever we think the onus lies. And so of course it's not proper wrong-sex, because ultimately it has a wrongful result, and the sad consequences confirm this.
But what about Hoover Man?
That's a story that's been floating around for about five years now, also perennially revived by the Interfet. A cleaner from Poland was found in flagrante with 'Henry the Hoover' . Apparently he was cleaning his underpants, a 'common practice in Poland' it was claimed. The poor sucker wasn't doing anyone any harm, he just got caught vacuum-pipe-handed that's all, and was later fired from his job for giving himself a 'polish'.
Should we vilify anyone for having sex with inanimate objects?
Especially when those most natural of animals dolphins have been known to? I'm not so sure it warrants a sexual breach of the peace if no one is hurt. In October 2013 Robert Stewart was found having sex with a bicycle by two cleaners with a master key. Personally I'd see that as an intrusion of privacy. So what does it matter to anybody? Whatever gets you through the night is alright and all that...
Equally out there are the gentlemen who have had sex with pavements and lamp-posts.
I'm not kidding.
Okay, so we can draw a line.
These bad boys were done for a breach of public decency, as well they should. It's bang out of order, the streets are crowded enough with people who don't know how to eat, drink, walk or talk, let alone fornicate.
These chaps need to read my book which features stacks of tips to help singles get out there and find a loving partner using a framework of safety, sanity and consensuality – with perhaps a like-minded taste for adventure. Though to be fair I can't guarantee their future partners will also be into Henry the Hoover sex or dung play.
Farewell for now, stay clean, have fun and play safe,
Jackson ; )