Join the adventures of OUR NEW COLUMNIST feminist submissive NICKY IVES, a churchgoing Sussex townie in her ongoing quest for kinky love
I've Started, So I'll Finish
"I'm done with online dating.
With 'kink' in my profile I got half the planet's weirdos messaging me!
What they failed to read, among the other stuff, is that I am looking for a monogamous long term relationship. Mo-no-ga-mous. Say it with me!
And among the oh so charming 'fancy a fuck?' messages and dick pics, however, were some real gems. Here are my favourites, with the writing left as it was sent:
1) 'Do you like Japanese?'
I asked what my first online suitor might be referring to?
Could it be food? Anime? Torture? Culture? Or indeed...if it was a euphemism.
He didn't know what euphemism meant.... Next!
2) 'How can you have sex you have too kids.'
What a charming way to start a conversation.
I didn't reply to this smooth talker.
For would I start with the lack of basic spelling and punctuation?
Or would it have to be a simple biology lesson?
And some women manage to have even more than two kids, genius.
I left him to figure these difficult questions on his own.
3) 'I am disabled and so need my hair done. Where I can do this?'
Hey, wrong website, sweetcheeks.
And how does being disabled necessitate a new hairdo?
4) 'I me you marriage sexy kin do ok now please horn yes?'
When I took the kink out of the equation I 'met' some lovely people:
- The 30 year-old city boy who needed help with a new CV and interview skills.
- The trust fund kid who started every message with: "I have a penthouse in (insert expensive city centre)!" Who didn't know why he was attracting gold diggers.
- The suicidal middle aged man who told me all the weird details of his life and his psychiatrist.
Yes, all these men seemed all lovely enough, but not remotely near what I have been looking for.
And then there's the opinion of my extended family...
...But then this is not their story, it's mine!
A story I'm calling How I Get My Other, subtitled;
How I Get my Kinks, My Guy and Hopefully Both.
And I've started now so I'll stop.
Till next week."